I know no one cares enough about me either as a cosplayer or even personally to bother reading these updates so gradually they have become a way for me to exorcise my sorrows for myself & I have been on a real downer as of late with my manic depression hitting me harder than it has in a long time putting me on the brink of topping myself again. It won't of been the first time I've been put to that edge & it likely won't be the last. I say that as it is something I have had a history of & time & again I prove myself strong enough not to act on the dark thoughts that swirl around my head but one day I will probably hit that breaking point. It's not something I have ever wanted to make public or like to talk about but I really have been hit hard this time & had reached out to my friends at the time for some much needed help.
Stress & frustration at work where I wish I could just smash peoples faces in for being such idiots & pains in the a** & I constantly feel over like too much is put on me & I am underappreciated at what I do. I just want to cut loose, it feels like a daily exercise in zen to make it through the day without incident. I care less about the job day by day & often think of handing in my resignation & when I do I can see an absolute s*** storm kicking off.
Feeling betrayed by friends for the fact that whatever acts of kindness I make are taken for granted & thrown back in my face & that people just use me for their own benefit or misconstrue my kind-heartedness. I have tried to help one friend with money problems only to have that generosity taken for granted & end up as a walking bank & another friend who mistook my gestures of kindness as me wanting a relationship when we were "just friends" & now seemingly wants nothing to do with me when all I had done was try to come across friendly, gentlemanly & complimentary. Not many guys in their 20's try to act with such chivalry, more so they act like yobs & chavs. I hate that is what people consider a British bloke in his 20's to be & I try my best to disassociate myself from that perception & to disassociate myself from my West Country origins, "they're all a bunch of farmers down in Somerset." I hate that & since childhood have tried to not be seen as such, I am proud to be British & since childhood have tried to live up to the expectations to that of a dapper British gentleman rather than "Somerset farmer" or even "Glastonbury hippy". Admittedly I went off on a tangent at the end there but my original point remains, I only do my best to help & show kindness to people & I don't know why I bother.
My family is no better, a money scrounging brother who has "borrowed" over a years worth of may wages that he still owes me for over many years & I don't expect or even want it back from him anymore. I try not to have much to even do with him anymore considering his recent life decisions, i.e. marrying a tart half his age with a chequered past (I would rather not say what in case any does actually read this but it is unsavoury to say the least). I don't want anything to do her & by extension cutting ties with my brother as much as I can. I still have the usual, fractured relationship with my father & my mother is aggravating me in that she had always favoured my brother, she would never say it but it's obvious & even more so now & being all friendly with his "wife" knowing exactly what she has done that is so bad. It winds me up & there is a lot more she does which aggravates so. My sister, although the only person in my family I don't hate at this point still knows how to be an absolute pain & an embarrassment when she wants to be.
In all I have felt extremely unmotivated to do much cosplay work & even as my birthday had passed it didn't lighten my mood but in fact made me feel worse.
At the time of writing I have two weeks until my next con, the summer London Anime Con & as much as I am trying to look forward to going, at the same time I'm dreading it. I was tempted to cancel on going but everything has already been paid for & I am not going to give up on doing something that makes me happy although I did struggle to find much enjoyment at MCM London. I ended up staring out over the Thames at 1am one night, enticed by the city lights reflecting upon the ripples of the water, I wanted to dive in.
To try & look forward, the summer London Anime Con is my next stop where I shall be cosplaying as Super Saiyan 4 Goku, Captain N & Megurine Luka. I have not yet settled on what order. I am unsure at how Captain N would be received considering the generally young demographic of this particular con but then hardcore Nintendo fans will surely know it (I hope). I have high hopes for Goku & if it turns out well (it is still in progress) I may enter it for the competition.
Following on from that will be the Stars Of Time Tropicana at Weston Super Mare over the August bank holiday weekend. I will be taking SS4 Goku & Dr Fate. Next will be Weston Super Sonic taking place in October. Like the Anime Con I was close to considering not going but again I am not going to give up on something I enjoy plus I have a championship to defend which I will be doing as Mephiles the Dark. One week later will be the October MCM London expo for which I am planning The Evil Dead's Ash Williams for my main cosplay with Goku as a secondary. If I have time to get things together I will try to put together Axel Stone from Streets of Rage.
Going into the following year I am only planning one cosplay. It is going to be a big, time consuming build & likely prove a challenge. With the aim to have it done for the 2018 Weston Super Sonic, whenever it may be, I will be attempting a Dr Eggman cosplay. Not just Dr Eggman, but piloting the Egg Walker Mk.II from Sonic Adventure 2. As such I don't intend to make any other new cosplays until that one is done & any cons I go to in the meantime I will be giving previous cosplays a repeat run.
As much as I enjoy it I am questioning my future as a cosplayer. There are a few cosplays that I really feel unhappy with & with recent incidents I feel put off on going to cons. I am still going to go to these previously mentioned cons but my confidence in my creations has been lacking for a while & with things that have happened recently I'm not looking forward to the upcoming cons as much as I normally would. I hope that I can find some happiness over the next few cons to renew my vigour for cosplaying & try to have some fun at these events.
I don't want to give up on cosplaying as it has been an outlet for me to put my focus into & allows me to work past my issues, preventing me from putting a metaphorical gun to my head but as I have felt for the past couple weeks the depression is preventing me from finding my motivation, my muse, my passion for cosplay & I am left to dwell on my sorrows & just feel worse & wonder is it even worth it for me to carry on. Both with my hobby & my wretched existence.
I end this update with some things that I have thought or said over the past 25 years of my life, so that whoever does care enough to of read this knows the extent of my pain, which sums up my depression that are as relevant as ever:
- I hate my life & everyone in it.
- I don't live. I don't have a life. I only exist.
- I don't have anyone who I can really consider friends, I have people who don't p*** me off as much as most other people but still p*** me off.
- My purpose on this Earth seems only for me to suffer & no one to care.
- I am forever a pariah, no one ever spares me a thought & am always left alone with the dark voices in my head as my only company.
- I truly do feel like the most unimportant & insignificant person to ever walk the Earth.
I am going to make one request however. As always I will post a link to this journal to Facebook & Twitter but this time I ask that if anyone does actually care about me & has taken the time to read this please show me some support, let me know you care & put a like on the link so I know that I do, at least in some way, matter to someone.